Narcissism is not always grandiose

Reflections After a Conversation with a Client

Narcissism is not always grandiose, as one might think. It can also manifest in learned helplessness, where a person readily shifts their responsibilities onto someone else—even in small matters, such as making a restaurant reservation, paying bills, cleaning the house, or cooking meals.

At some point, a person may begin to notice an imbalance—they are the one handling everything while their partner is either too tired from work or constantly searching for a new job after leaving yet another one for the third time in the past year. (Of course, I exaggerate, but the pattern in the relationship dynamic is evident.)

After a happy beginning, where “he held my hand, it felt like true soul connection,” a moment inevitably arrives when an unexpected conflict emerges—anger and frustration over who should pay the bills, cook, or handle responsibilities.

This is why, when forming a relationship, it is crucial to remember:
👉 What you do at the start of the relationship will be expected of you for the long term.
Otherwise, disappointment, frustration, and constant conflicts will follow.

Arguments can arise over anything—including public provocations in front of friends or family—where any reaction from the partner will be portrayed as emotionally unstable, inappropriate, or excessive. And so, the person coming to therapy asks:

“Why do I react so intensely? Am I losing my mind?”

Through therapy, the client begins to understand that they have been unknowingly playing someone else’s game, by someone else’s rules, and once they realize this, they naturally want to stop playing. But this is not easy, because the other person doesn’t stop provoking them.

When a partner stops emotionally, financially, or otherwise supporting the helpless narcissist, that narcissist quickly starts searching for a new, ideal victim—someone who will listen, provide emotional support, and be a sympathetic ear to their complaints about their “cold and unempathetic” partner—the one who got tired of hearing the same complaints about a bad business partner, boss, government, or life situation for years.

These situations may lead to episodes of infidelity or even the narcissist leaving for another partner—hoping that this new person will finally understand them, support them, and provide financial stability.