Children Attachment Styles – how differentiate them

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A secure attachment is characterized by a child’s trust in their parents—knowing that they are accessible, responsive, and helpful in critical situations. This supportive attitude fosters the development of a positive self-image and healthy interpersonal relationships. The mother (or primary caregiver) is responsive when the child seeks protection or comfort.

Anxious-Resistant (Ambivalent) Attachment Style

In this attachment style, the child is uncertain whether their parents will be available, responsive, or helpful when needed. The support and attitude of parents or caregiver figures are unpredictable—sometimes they are present and helpful, other times they are not.

As a result of this inconsistency, the child may develop a deep fear of separation that persists into adulthood. They tend to seek attachment (feeling needed) but are also afraid of exploring the world. This can lead to low self-esteem and difficulties in forming healthy relationships.

This model is marked by inner conflict—ambivalent feelings within the child. Its development is also influenced by experiences of separation or abandonment, whether intentional (such as institutionalization in an orphanage or boarding school) or unintentional (such as a parent’s accident or threats of abandonment used as a form of manipulation in discipline). Additionally, emotional suppression—being told phrases like “Don’t cry like a girl” or “Stop whining”—further reinforces this pattern.

Fearful-Avoidant (Dismissing) Attachment Style

In this case, the child is not sure that they will receive help when they need it; in fact, they are convinced that they will be rejected. As a result, they perceive interactions as threatening, approaching relationships with mistrust and an inability to provide emotional support to others.

When individuals with this attachment style try to build a life and start a family without relying on love and support from others, they strive for emotional self-sufficiency. Over time, this may lead to personality disorders such as narcissism or false self-identity, and even autism-like traits (as described by Donald Winnicott).

This model, where the conflict is not as visible, develops when a child seeks comfort and protection from the mother (or primary caregiver) but is repeatedly rejected (as observed by John Bowlby).

Disorganized Attachment Style

This attachment style often stems from traumatic experiences and is most commonly an extreme form of anxious-resistant attachment.

Children with this style often freeze, stop mid-action, or display fragmented behaviors during interactions with their mother. These children may have been subjected to physical or emotional abuse. Their parents often struggle with mental health issues or have experienced childhood trauma or severe loss themselves (Bowlby).

A Reminder: Attachment Styles Are Not Fixed Diagnoses

It’s important not to take these models as rigid, diagnostic categories. Life is complex, and everyone makes mistakes—including parents.

The good news is that it is never too late to correct mistakes—relationships can heal and improve through changes in attitude and behavior.

Parents, especially those with teenagers, should always remember who is in charge at home (the parent) while also recognizing that children have responsibilities to help their parents.