This article was written
after analyzing various reactions to discussions about violence against women. That’s why I want to explore the topic of violence in more depth, seeking its roots.
The term “projective care” was introduced by Lloyd deMause in his book The History of Childhood.
This term refers to a parent causing physical and/or emotional trauma to a child—while believing they are acting in the child’s best interest.
Most often, this occurs when the parent was treated the same way by their own parents or guardians.
One of the most famous quotes from deMause’s book states:
📖 “The history of childhood is a nightmare from which we just started to wake up.”
In other words, only recently has a child been recognized as a human being in need of protection rather than punishment.
Historical Context: The Nightmare of Projective Care
In his book, deMause documents historical evidence of children suffering various forms of violence across different social classes—
violence inflicted by parents with “good intentions.”
📌 Example 1:
Taking children to public executions so they can witness beheadings, hangings, or beatings—
to “teach them obedience” through fear.
📌 Example 2:
Forcing children to touch a dead body—
so they “won’t be afraid of the dead.”
Even in Latvia, the Children’s Rights Protection Law only came into effect in 2006—
and yet, I still see cases in my practice where parents:
⚠️ Physically punish their children
⚠️ Ignore their emotional distress
⚠️ Fail to listen to their children or engage with them empathetically
Instead of recognizing their child’s psychosomatic symptoms, fears, or behavioral issues,
parents continue corporal punishment—
or dismiss their child’s suffering as something “strange.”
Projective Care in Modern Times
It would be easy to think that such violence belongs to the Middle Ages—
a time when people believed that children had no souls and were merely parental property.
But even today, we see cases of projective care:
⚠️ Parents giving their children alcohol or cigarettes
💬 “Better to do it in my presence than somewhere unsafe!”
⚠️ Fathers sexually abusing their daughters under the pretense of “preparing them” for adulthood
💬 “She needs to learn about sex from someone she trusts!”
⚠️ Parents hiring prostitutes for their teenage sons
💬 “A real man needs experience!”
Such cases leave deep emotional scars,
which many try to process and heal through therapy.
However, other seemingly “less serious” behaviors can be just as damaging.
For example:
⚠️ Parents who destroy a child’s sense of privacy
- Forcing their way into bathrooms and bedrooms
- Installing surveillance cameras in children’s rooms
- Dismissing their emotional needs as unimportant
All of these behaviors shatter a child’s ability to:
🔹 Feel safe in their own body
🔹 Form healthy emotional connections in adulthood
🔹 Trust themselves and others
The Cycle of Trauma: Passed Down for Generations
These traumatic experiences form psychological complexes.
🧠 Complexes do not disappear.
🧠 They remain buried in the unconscious.
🧠 And they are passed down to the next generation—over and over again.
💬 “Trauma can echo through seven generations.”
Why does this happen?
Aren’t we rational adults?
Don’t we understand what we are doing?
🚨 The answer is lack of empathy.
🚨 Or, in cases of severe trauma—a psychological defense mechanism called dissociation.
How Trauma Creates the Cycle of Violence
A complex is formed when a traumatic experience is reinforced by an archetypal pattern.
These forces are ancient and powerful—
so much so that:
⚠️ A father’s anger over a jar of jam can escalate into a violent outburst.
⚠️ A parent’s desire to “discipline” their child can turn into murder.
In none of these cases do the parents stop to consider the child’s experience.
💬 “Why did my child want to eat the jam?”
💬 “Why is my child crying or angry?”
Instead of understanding the root cause of emotions,
parents rely on primitive prohibitions:
💬 “Stop crying! Boys don’t cry!”
➡️ These boys grow up into men with stomach ulcers and digestive issues
➡️ Because they have been taught to suppress emotions—
➡️ And internalize their pain instead of expressing it.
💬 “Stop being angry! Good girls don’t do that!”
➡️ These girls hold in their emotions until they explode in rage
🚨 Mothers and fathers often use their children as emotional dumping grounds.
How to Break the Cycle of Projective Care
It’s easy to say but hard to do—
because, as I said earlier, our behavior is shaped by our complexes.
So what can we do?
✅ Create distance—step away from the moment of anger.
🚿 Take a shower
🚶 Go for a walk
🛑 Pause before reacting
✅ See the situation from the child’s perspective
🔍 Ask yourself: “What does my child feel in this moment?”
✅ Recognize the child’s natural instincts
💡 Expecting a three-year-old to sit quietly in a doctor’s waiting room is irrational
💡 Expecting a child to remain calm while parents argue is unrealistic
✅ Acknowledge how parental stress affects children
A child does not feel safe when:
⚠️ Parents are constantly arguing
⚠️ Parents are violent toward each other
⚠️ Parents are frequently intoxicated or emotionally unavailable
Final Thoughts
💡 Breaking the cycle of trauma requires conscious effort.
💡 It requires us to confront our own upbringing and question what we consider “normal.”
💡 It requires empathy—not just toward our children, but toward our own wounded selves.
Because only by healing ourselves can we ensure that future generations don’t inherit the same pain.
Psychotherapy 
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