Observing the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse in Couples Therapy

Subscriber Content

From time to time, while working with couples in therapy, I witness the demonstration of the narcissistic abuse cycle, where one partner exerts control over the other. Sometimes, this is done so subtly and masterfully that even I struggle to illuminate the dynamic and make both partners fully aware of what is happening.

How Can the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse Be Healed?

As a couples therapist and Jungian analyst, I have observed this dynamic countless times with all of its deeply wounding effects. Narcissistic abuse is not just a relationship problem—it is often an unconscious psychological interplay, where both the abuser and the victim are drawn into a destructive archetypal story.

This interaction of psychological shadows reveals unintegrated, wounded aspects of the self, which seek validation, security, and control through manipulation. The narcissistic partner embodies what is known as the “Wounded Grandiose Self” or “False Self”—a fragile psychological construct desperately protecting itself from perceived vulnerability and pain.

If we examine relationships through the lens of the narcissistic abuse cycle, similar dynamics can also be found between a narcissistic parent and their child. However, for now, let’s focus on the dynamics of narcissistic relationships and the four phases of the abuse cycle.

---

The Four Phases of the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

1. The Idealization Phase

The relationship begins intensely, and partners feel deeply bonded very quickly.

🌀 How does the idealized projection work?

• The narcissistic partner presents an idealized version of themselves—charming, attentive, seemingly perfect.
• This is driven by their own subconscious longing for love and acceptance.
• The victim experiences a euphoric “emotional inflation”, believing they have found a once-in-a-lifetime connection that transcends ordinary relationships.

2. The Devaluation Phase

Over time, illusions begin to break. As the relationship progresses, the narcissistic partner systematically undermines the other person’s emotional and psychological stability.

• Criticism, manipulation (gaslighting), and emotional withdrawal replace early closeness.
• The victim’s self-worth is gradually eroded, reflecting the internal fragmentation of the narcissist.

3. The Psychological Abandonment Phase

This phase occurs when the victim realizes that staying in the relationship is damaging to their mental health, and they begin to emotionally and physically distance themselves.

• The narcissist discards them abruptly once they no longer receive narcissistic supply—admiration, attention, care, or emotional energy.
• This mirrors the narcissist’s deepest fear of genuine intimacy and vulnerability.
• From a Jungian perspective, this reflects a dramatic external manifestation of deep internal psychological fragmentation.

4. The Cycle Repeats – The Return Phase

This pattern is widely depicted in movies and literature.

• Just when the victim starts healing, focusing on their career, health, and self-worth, the narcissistic partner suddenly reappears, stirring hope and confusion.
• This represents an archetypal “shadow dance”—a recurring psychological pattern seeking resolution but instead perpetuating trauma.
• Alternatively, the narcissist finds a new idealized victim, leaving the previous partner behind.

---

Healing from Narcissistic Abuse

In my experience, breaking free from this dynamic and healing from it requires a multidimensional approach. Unfortunately, not all cases lead to success, as narcissistic partners often refuse to take responsibility, preferring to blame their partner instead.

What Should Be Done?

✔ Acknowledge the emotional toll the relationship has taken on the empathetic partner.
✔ Identify and heal unconscious attachment patterns, while developing strong psychological boundaries.
✔ Explore past significant relationships to understand why the victim was unconsciously drawn to the narcissistic dynamic.
✔ Recognize personal vulnerabilities that allowed for emotional abuse and manipulation to occur.
✔ Reframe the victim’s story—shifting from a narrative of helplessness to a hero’s journey.
✔ Identify personal triggers and use them as catalysts for transformation.
✔ Develop a compassionate inner dialogue, fostering self-trust and emotional resilience.

It is essential not to go through this alone—seeking help is crucial if you feel:

• You are being manipulated in your relationship.
• Your sanity and judgment are constantly being questioned.
• You are made to feel like the guilty one, even when you are the one being harmed.
• You repeatedly experience confusion, doubt, fear, guilt, and emotional distress in your relationship.

It should not be this way.
If you are in such a relationship, I hope you find the support you need to break free and heal. 💛