Separation is a compromise
between how a person wants to live their life and what their surrounding social environment expects from them—
including parents, teachers, friends, acquaintances, and society as a whole.
One of the most visible phases of separation occurs during adolescence when a young person begins to break away from parental influence.
This process alters the structure of the Ego complex, which is directly linked to fluctuations in self-awareness and emotional instability.
The Idealization of Parents Must End
By the age of 20, the idealization of parental figures should come to an end.
This is because idealizing parents inevitably leads to the devaluation of the child’s own position.
By this time, a young adult should have gained awareness of their parental complexes and started the process of separating from their parents.
The role of psychological complexes in this process cannot be underestimated.
They dictate which steps a person is able to take—
and which steps feel forbidden.
For example, if a child was always forbidden from leaving home or having independent thoughts different from their father,
then these specific childhood experiences will resurface in the young person’s internal struggles.
They will either:
✔️ Confront these issues and separate from their parents
❌ Or surrender and remain trapped in dependence
This internal battle is brilliantly illustrated in Franz Kafka’s letters to his father.
Separation requires a strong Ego—
because, in some cases, separation must happen in secret,
if open separation is forbidden.
The Challenge of Separating from Parents
A young person must resist feelings of loyalty, duty, and guilt toward their parents.
This is especially difficult because:
💡 A person needs parents to separate from them in the first place.
💡 Parental complexes make separation feel dangerous—
threatening to withdraw love or destroy the child’s self-worth as “punishment” for disobedience.
💡 By resisting their parents, a young person sees themselves in a new way—one that is unfamiliar to them.
💡 They begin to define their own self-image and compare it to the image their parents have of them.
Additionally, children often inherit the unfulfilled desires of their parents
and feel pressured to live out their parents’ unfinished dreams.
Separating from the Mother and Father Complexes
Separating from both the mother and father is equally important.
Otherwise, a person will transfer their unresolved parental complexes onto their romantic partners
and, later, onto their own children.
It is important to remember that:
⚠️ The real mother and the mother complex are not the same.
⚠️ The real father and the father complex are not the same.
Separation is necessary for both men and women.
However, society still tends to view a woman’s identity through her relationships with men and children.
👩 A woman’s personal identity is often denied.
👩 She is expected to exist only in relation to a man.
👩 As long as she has a husband and children, her individual growth is seen as unimportant.
Conversely:
💡 A woman who follows her own identity, rather than conforming to social expectations, may be viewed as “not a real woman.”
This external judgment and social pressure
can lead a woman to abandon her personal identity in order to fit in—
or force her to endure repeated identity crises while staying true to herself.
How the Lack of Separation Affects Relationships
Women who do not separate from their father complex
or who fail to resist the influence of their mother complex
often struggle with depression after breakups.
When a relationship ends, they are forced to shift their sense of self
from being defined by relationships to being defined by personal identity.
However, this shift is only possible if a connection with their true self has been established.
❌ If a woman has always been expected to sacrifice her needs for others,
❌ If she has spent her life adapting to external demands,
❌ If she has lived for others instead of for herself—
then she may struggle to know who she truly is.
💡 For such a woman, life is an endless battle to resist societal pressure.
💡 Even if she has found her true self, she will constantly be challenged to defend it.
On the other hand:
⚠️ A woman who has not separated from a positive father complex
⚠️ May base her entire sense of self on career and financial success.
If her career crumbles, her entire identity collapses,
because it was built around a singular role rather than a deeper sense of self.
Archetypes of Femininity and the Fear of the Feminine
A young woman’s separation from her mother
is not only shaped by her real mother
but also by cultural archetypes of femininity.
Society still carries an unconscious fear of the feminine.
🌑 The feminine is associated with creation and destruction.
🌑 Fertility goddesses are also goddesses of death.
These projections create anxiety around female power
and lead to idealization or devaluation of women—
instead of seeing them as individuals with unique identities.
This inability to see a woman as an individual
is yet another symptom of an incomplete separation from the mother.
Why Separation from Parents is Necessary
To find one’s true identity,
a young person must resist both their parents and their parents’ complexes.
❌ If they do not,
❌ Their relationships with romantic partners will be filled with projections—
❌ Unresolved father issues projected onto the partner.
❌ Unresolved mother issues projected onto the partner.
👣 Separation from parental complexes is crucial to psychological growth.
👣 Failure to separate leads to repeated cycles of the same emotional struggles.
👣 This means stepping on the same metaphorical “rake” over and over again.
It is also important to examine:
⚠️ How often do we unconsciously identify with our parents’ complex patterns?
⚠️ Are we living out our parents’ fears and expectations instead of our own reality?
The True Meaning of Separation
💡 Rebelling against parents does not mean hating them.
💡 Hatred is just another form of emotional entanglement, preventing true separation.
If we constantly think about those we hate,
we are still psychologically tied to them.
True separation happens when:
✔️ A person can see their parents realistically—both their strengths and weaknesses.
✔️ They accept their parents as they are, without expecting them to change.
✔️ They do not seek compensation for past parenting mistakes.
✔️ They can coexist with their parents respectfully and lovingly—when needed.
✔️ They live their own lives based on their own values and choices.
Conclusion
Separation is a necessary step toward personal freedom and identity.
It allows us to live our own lives, rather than the lives our parents imagined for us.
🚀 It is never too late to separate and become your own person.
🚀 The journey of self-discovery starts with breaking free from inherited patterns.
(Based on Verena Kast’s book “Fathers, Daughters, Mothers, Sons”)
Psychotherapy 
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