Death by a thousand paper cuts

An article about emotional abuse with insights into the consequences of psycho-emotional trauma, awareness, and healing. Unlike physical or sexual violence and the acute psycho-emotional trauma that follows, emotional abuse is not immediately noticeable, whereas physical violence is. Emotional abuse is also the most difficult to identify in therapy, as it can be completely hidden from consciousness. It is even more difficult to recognise chronic or cumulative emotional abuse, as its consequences are imperceptible and very often the person is not even aware that it is abuse. It is a slow accumulation of psycho-emotional trauma in the psyche that destroys a person’s personality through what trauma researchers call “death by a thousand cuts.” These thousand small cuts — indifference, criticism, passive-aggressive comments, rejection, ridicule, gaslighting, blame, and activation of feelings of guilt may seem insignificant on their own. But together they form a neurobiological attack on a person’s identity and personality, their ability to regulate their emotions and their consciousness. The human nervous system is designed to protect itself and react immediately to threats, but only for a short time (fight, flight, or freeze). With each emotional shift, the brain reorients itself to operate in stress mode, usually at low intensity but frequently. Over time, this increases cortisol levels, which affects anxiety, appetite, and sleep. It also reduces oxytocin and serotonin, the hormones responsible for attachment and well-being, which will affect the development of feelings of loneliness, confusion, and a decrease in joy, creativity, and a sense of meaning. It will also cause excessive activity in the amygdala, leading to constant anxiety, irritability, and excessive caution. It will also cause a weakening of the frontal lobe, which in turn will impair decision-making, boundary setting, and self-regulation. A very modern problem, isn’t it? The alpha and beta rhythms of brain waves also change over time because, for example, emotional rejection alters brain waves as follows: Alpha waves (8–12 Hz), which are associated with a calm, integrated state of consciousness, decrease, making relaxation and inner balance more difficult. At the same time, Beta waves (13–30 Hz), which are characteristic of thinking and alertness, intensify, but in traumatic situations they become overly active, creating a constant stream of thoughts, where thoughts race around in circles like horses in a paddock or like a dog chasing its tail. This causes rumination and anxious scanning of the surroundings. As a result, brain activity gets stuck in survival mode, even if everything seems safe on the outside, an endless mental battle has begun on the inside. Jung emphasized the importance of the Self as a symbol of the wholeness of the personality. This is very important because it determines the path of human individuation. As a result of emotional abuse, the Ego suffers and becomes weak and distorted, and therefore it is no longer able to maintain a balance between the inner and outer worlds. The Ego and Self axis is disrupted as a result of trauma, and the Ego identifies more with the dark side of the Self. At that moment, the person loses contact with their inner truth, they stop hearing and perceiving themselves adequately, but believe what others say about how they feel or how they should not feel. A false self is formed, oriented towards the needs and reactions of the oppressor. This is caused by the desire to react and do everything to prevent the oppressor from getting angry, to predict in advance what to expect and how to avert possible threats and emotional attacks. At that moment, the shadow—all the repressed parts of the personality—becomes toxic, filled with unidentified anger, pain, and helplessness. Over time, this leads to identity fragmentation, dissociation, and a feeling that the person no longer knows who they are or what they like. People who experience emotional abuse often lose trust in their feelings. Repeated humiliation leads to a state known as learned helplessness. As a result, the person no longer fights against injustice, but instead begins to justify it. Eventually, they come to believe the abuser’s views and believe that there is something wrong with them or that they are losing their sanity. Or they believe that they are too emotional because they cry over every little thing, etc. In a sense, it is a breakdown of consciousness accompanied by reduced vagus nerve tone, emotional paralysis and numbness, followed by an inability to be and form truly close relationships. The person appears to be fully functional on the outside, but is distant and insensitive, empty on the inside, as if stuck between “running away” and “freezing.”Recovery from emotional abuse requires not only awareness of what has been done and what the consequences are, but also the ability to feel the full range of emotions that accompany the abuse, without justifying the abuser. Emotional abuse not only hurts, but also distorts the story people tell themselves about what they have experienced, what they have gone through, and what the price of survival has been. The path to healing is not possible through forgetting or denying anger (because forgiveness is necessary, at least according to everyone who believes that it is a good result of transformation that happens on its own, without anyone’s help and – you have to), but the price of denying anger is low self-esteem. Therefore, recovery is only possible through awareness of experience and acknowledgement of emotions: yes, I have experienced this, yes, I feel this, and I have the right to feel all of this. With empathy towards oneself and the part of oneself that has suffered. If emotional abuse occurred in childhood, then the inner child; if the experience of emotional abuse occurred in adulthood, then the victimised female or male part of oneself. Without judgment, without violence towards oneself, because in therapy I very often hear clients attacking their victimised part – “I was to blame for being raped at the age of 13, beaten, etc.” This narrative needs to change in order for the first Alpha waves to return. With empathy and compassion for oneself, with awareness of trauma, with anger, with recognition of one’s own strength, with recognition of one’s own authority both in life and professionally. By overcoming psycho-emotional trauma, listening to oneself and trusting one’s inner feelings, it is possible to return to life with creative and positive energy.