Both in groups of people who have separated and in therapy sessions, I have observed a pattern that repeats itself regularly, so it is worth talking about.
There are some people who use other people to satisfy their own needs. I won’t focus on the classification here, but in therapy, the question “Why won’t he let me go?” comes up very often.
And the client looks for logical explanations, but unfortunately, these are not the ones they want to admit. Because, unfortunately, they do not correspond to generally accepted standards of ethics and morality, since in object relationships, all interest is and remains focused on the object and control over it. And this is done even when there has been a feeling for some time that the relationship has long since ended, because there is cheating, etc. in the relationship.
Therefore, let’s look at the reasons why some people do not agree to separate even when the emotional relationship has ended.
From the outside, this seems quite contradictory, because if a person no longer loves you, cheats on you, often does not come home, ignores you, does not talk to you, sits in their room, why don’t they want to let you go? And what’s even more interesting is that these people do everything they can to keep their partner, because it’s very important for them to maintain control and they don’t want to lose power over you. Because they see the relationship as a business. Something that can be used to their advantage. Their partner serves as a parent who takes care of them, a trophy or an emotional regulator on whom they can vent all their pent-up emotions, look after and raise children, etc. This provides complete comfort, so when you try to leave, it means a loss of power and fear of impending discomfort. That is why he may start fighting for a relationship that he himself has long since emotionally abandoned.
I would like to highlight the most common patterns of manipulation and behavior that I have heard in therapy. These are often used to shift responsibility, blame, gaslight, and deliberately manipulate in order to prevent you from leaving.
Gaslighting and denial – “You’re exaggerating! That didn’t happen! It’s all in your head! You’re making it up! You’re always jealous and dramatic! What are you talking about? You’re always tired and unhappy, what was I supposed to do? You have trust issues! You need to get help! etc.”
The purpose of these statements is to make you question your sanity. So that you start believing that you are the problem, not the person who, for example, has been caught cheating. Such as shifting responsibility and blackmail – “You are destroying our family! You are traumatizing the child, he will now have to grow up in a broken family! Do you really want to take your children away from their father? I cared for you, gave you everything you wanted, and now you’re leaving me? Relationships require work and patience, but you’re throwing it all away! We’ve been through so much together, we can get through this too!” This activates your sense of guilt and responsibility, because the more you try or care, the more he uses it against you. This can be followed by false promises and hopes – “I’ll change, I promise! It will never happen again! I’ll go to therapy! I don’t want to lose you! Let’s start over with a clean slate?” He says all this with the aim of triggering your hopes or desires that are not based on reality. If he succeeds, you begin to hope that maybe everything will finally change. That this time he really understands everything. But as time goes by, it becomes clear that this is just a new cycle, and these cycles can continue indefinitely.
The victim’s role through gaslighting – “You walked into it yourself, you read what you shouldn’t have on my phone, in my diary, on my computer! You violated my privacy! It’s your fault we’re not having sex! You don’t take care of yourself, you’ve gotten fat, what else could I do? Men are different! What are you crazy, I don’t bring anyone home! You’re leaving me now to get revenge, but I’m going through a difficult period in my life. You’ve always supported me, you’re the only one in my life who understands me. I gave you my life! I’ve been depressed for a long time, you know that, you can’t leave me now.” If he has managed to make you feel guilty, then you feel bad, evil and heartless. And you have already believed that he is really going through a difficult time and that you are to blame for everything. He can once again become the one who needs help, who needs to be saved.
Of course, there are also overt or covert threats: “If you leave, I’ll take everything away from you! You’ll regret it! No one else will want you! You’ll be alone for the rest of your life! I can’t live without you!” Threats to take away children are also very popular. Threats of destruction, etc. Unfortunately, this emotional blackmail and threats can cause fear and inner paralysis, a kind of psychological paralysis.
There may also be hidden sabotage – “Of course, do as you wish!” But he sabotages the divorce process himself. Because he can pretend to agree to the divorce, but only to gain time in the hope of influencing your decision, destroying your confidence and making you reconsider.
Why? Because these people often repeat intergenerational trauma patterns they experienced in childhood, where they were abandoned, controlled or emotionally hurt, and now they do the same to others.
And it’s very easy to get caught up in their sad childhood stories, and empathetic people find it extremely difficult to believe that they are being manipulated. Sometimes I believe that it is unconscious, but I also believe that it is completely conscious, because it takes talent to find the right words to change another person’s perception of reality, It takes talent, and I have listened to stories about what has been said in the past, and it seems so unbelievable to me that it borders on a parallel world that is difficult for the mind to comprehend. Therefore, it is important to remember that we cannot save anyone from themselves, especially against their will. Leaving such a person is like Tom Cruise’s impossible missions, but he was able to do it, and many women before you have also been able to do it. So if you are reading these lines and they resonate with you right now, I believe that you can do it too. And it really is one of the bravest steps you can take for yourself. And yes, it will be difficult at first, and yes, it will hurt, and it will hurt a lot. But behind that pain, freedom awaits you, self-respect, and love and care for yourself. Because all the energy you have devoted to others until now can now remain with you. And after all, slavery has been abolished for some time now, and you are no one’s property.
Psychotherapy 
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