Some time ago, I saw a video where a parasite affected a grasshopper’s perception to such an extent that the grasshopper jumped into water, where its body was abandoned by a worm. Really scary, isn’t it? But my first association was with specific clients or people I had met in my life. Because this scary phenomenon that exists in nature can easily be applied to relationships between people. Where one is the body to be used and the other is the parasite. And this is definitely not limited to romantic relationships. It can also apply to relationships between children and parents, work colleagues, grandparents, partners, friends, etc., which accurately reflects the psycho-emotional experience of many people in their families.
The parasite burrows into the body of the water strider, takes over its nervous system and influences its brain activity, forcing it to jump into a body of water where it drowns, while the parasite leaves its host’s body in the water and continues its life, but the grasshopper dies. This is a perfect symbol to describe the dynamics of a particularly destructive relationship. I would like to look at it as a functioning system in specific relationships. Unfortunately, this dynamic between parents and children is quite common when it is clear that psychological invasion has taken place. You may even know someone whose parents regularly brainwash them, causing them to become self-destructive after these episodes.
In the family system, each member has a natural psychological space. And this space is invaded when a parent uses a child as an emotional substitute or a projection of trauma. As a result, the child is no longer a child, but becomes a container for the parent, a savior, or an emotional mother to the parent. The child takes on the emotional functions of an adult. This dynamic often involves blurring, as there is no clear boundary between the parent’s feelings and the child’s identity. This also happens when the child feels guilty for having needs because they are growing up, separating, or choosing their own path.
And the result? As they grow up, these children cannot find themselves in life, they cannot develop their own direction in life because they do not feel a calling, because their intuition has been silenced and their sense of self and ego has been shattered. He becomes like a character in a video where a living creature is forced into real self-destruction, while the parasitic nature of the parent continues to live through him. Looking at this phenomenon through the lens of Jung’s theory, we can observe how, when the negative mother or father archetype is constellated, the ego is consumed by them and finds itself completely in the power of these archetypes, with individuation existing more as letters from the unconscious, still in a completely passive and latent form.
And when the mother or father complex becomes invasive, we often see a mixture of love and control in relationships. All kinds of psychosomatic ailments based on huge internal unresolved conflicts that create conflicting and critical inner voices. This creates a split in the psyche, where one part is the adult trying to maintain the existing system, and the other is the wounded child who is still trying to please this inner tyrant or fighting for freedom. And let’s be realistic – in this situation, it is clear that this fight is not equal, because in addition, one must try to avoid repeated trauma. And avoiding new trauma, or symbolic death situations with colleagues or friends, is easier said than done, because social trauma tends to occur even due to misunderstandings. Therefore, it does not take much for such an emotionally traumatized person to suffer new psycho-emotional trauma or for old trauma to be reactivated; it is enough for friends to criticize, ignore, or demonstrate behavior similar to that of an invasive parent.
And, unfortunately, just as a grasshopper cannot resist the parasite’s command to jump into the water, an adult is unable to resist loyalty to an abusive parent, feelings of guilt, a sense of duty, or an invisible pull back to an ingrained family relationship pattern, even if it destroys them.
Healing requires more than just understanding. It requires practical separation, psychological initiation to regain ego integrity and free oneself from the enormous power of complexes and archetypes.
Sometimes my clients read lists to me or play audio recordings, and the horror and emotionally abusive expressions, where the words seem to have been chosen specifically to hurt and strike at the already bleeding heart of a loving child, are shocking.
You may already suspect that this is not a case of classic narcissism, although the pattern of using adult children to satisfy one’s own needs is evident. But such cruelty is characteristic only of psychopaths, and the way it gets under your skin, both by screaming and confusing your perception, which is commonly referred to as “brainwashing,” because after such abuse, I can’t call it anything else, the poor person’s hands and feet shake for at least half a day. But then again, someone else might sink into despair, anger, and self-blame, and as a result, obediently do what they are told. For example, supporting their parents for their entire conscious life because their parent gave birth to them, raised them, abused them, etc., but people blindly believe this. And they do everything that their cruel parent tells them to do.
As I mentioned, such personalities are a mixture of narcissism, borderline personality disorder, and visible psychopathic traits. These parents have most likely suffered greatly in their own childhood, which only further complicates the relationship model, and if this model is not stopped, it will most likely be passed on to future generations. I write “parents” because I have heard these stories mentioned about both mothers and fathers, and I have also met people of both genders like this in my own life. This is a story about early trauma, which then affects the person’s newly formed family.
People with such deep-seated issues will typically exhibit intense fear of being abandoned, emotional blackmail, chaos, using other people to boost their self-esteem, an inability to see their children or loved ones as separate beings, and God forbid, if the child has their own opinion or criticism, manipulation, lying, a lack of remorse for the harm they have caused, and, of course, a refusal to take responsibility.
Phrases such as the following may be heard: “You have ruined my life! Your birth was a mistake! I should have had an abortion! I’m going to die soon! It’s hard for me, I can’t live without you! You’re always dissatisfied with everything! You have to help me! You have to take care of me! How can you be so cruel to me? After everything I’ve done for you! You make me feel this way. I can never talk to you normally! You’ve always been like a father to me!” etc.
A grown child, especially one who is sensitive or conscientious, internalizes this story and becomes a permanent hostage to the unresolved chaos of their parent or other person.
But to be able to free yourself from all this will not be a one-day job, but it can be done. The most important thing is to understand what is happening, whether someone has once again gotten under my skin and stolen my clear thinking.
Psychotherapy 
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