Lately,
in my work with clients, I have noticed that the topic of infidelity and betrayal has become increasingly relevant. Thinking about the pain and suffering that these experiences cause to the betrayed partner, I am always struck by the depth of suffering that jealousy can evoke.
Experiencing betrayal unleashes an entire emotional rollercoaster—ranging from physical pain, feelings of rejection, fear, and even guilt. Yes, it is true that the betrayed partner often feels guilty, believing that they were not good enough—not supportive enough, too absorbed in work, too focused on their own problems, not paying enough attention to their appearance, and so on.
While I can agree that some of these factors might play a role, I want to emphasize the lack of genuine communication, prolonged emotional tension between partners, frequent conflicts, unresolved grievances, nitpicking over small things, routine or absent sexuality, and the loss of shared goals.
Many people like to talk about “nagging women,” but men “nag” just as much. Their complaints and criticisms are no different from women’s, and I sometimes think they do it even more freely—because society does not condemn male “nagging” the way it stigmatizes women for it. Many of my female clients admit they are afraid of being seen as “nagging” wives, so they choose to stay silent, accumulating bitterness and resentment that manifests in psychosomatic symptoms—such as the modern-day affliction of vegetative dystonia or even seeking comfort in an extramarital affair, where they feel different from how they do in their daily partnership.
The Core Motive: What Is Being Sought Outside the Relationship?
Some would immediately say: intrigue! Something that brings excitement, a rush of adrenaline, making them feel young again at forty. But I think we need to look deeper. Every case is different, but certain patterns repeat in my work with couples. Some of the most common include:
- Criticism and humiliation become a normal part of communication, never being addressed, with no consequences. The illusion forms that every day is a “fresh start” where past hurts don’t matter.
- Emotional tension and unresolved conflicts persist for months, creating ongoing stress in the relationship.
- Partners do not communicate about their sexual needs and desires, leaving a silent gap in the relationship.
- Partners grow distant, and the feeling arises that they are two strangers merely coexisting.
Another common motif occurs when one partner becomes deeply dissatisfied with themselves and their life—whether in relationships, career, or personal fulfillment. Instead of confronting their own dissatisfaction, they project it onto their partner, hoping that a new relationship will bring happiness, like a noble knight rescuing them from their dull routine or unhappiness.
Romantic movies and novels feed this fantasy, and some self-proclaimed “experts” encourage people to “think positively,” abandon everything, and plunge into new adventures. I am convinced that this might work for a while, but in the end, you cannot escape yourself. The same personal issues, fears, and unresolved traumas will eventually surface in the new relationship, just as they did in the old one.
How to Prevent Infidelity and Strengthen Relationships?
I like to think of relationships—any meaningful connection, really—as an investment of the heart, much like tending to a garden.
If I love my garden, I will care for it, nourish it, invest in it, buy fertilizer, pull weeds, plant new seeds, rake the soil, and protect it from pests.
Unfortunately, many people believe that a relationship should “just work” on its own, without effort or reflection on how to break free from the warm, seductive grip of routine.
This attitude is perfectly illustrated by a well-known joke:
Wife to husband: “Why don’t you ever tell me that you love me?”
Husband: “I told you when I proposed! If anything changes, I’ll let you know.”
The Most Valuable Gift in a Relationship: Time
Everyone is busy with their own routines and responsibilities, but today, the most precious gift we can give each other is TIME.
If a couple can set aside at least one day a week to focus on each other—to do things that bring them joy together—I firmly believe that:
- Quality time together
- Joking and flirting
- Truly enjoying each other’s presence
will serve as “golden glue” to mend the cracks in a fragile teacup, making it not only stronger but even more valuable than before.
Japanese artisans have been mending broken pottery with gold since the 15th century, turning the damage into beauty.
Perhaps it’s time we apply the same philosophy to our relationships.
Psychotherapy 
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