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(This article can certainly apply to fathers or any other significant figures, such as both parents or grandparents. However, for the sake of this discussion, I will use the image of the mother, as in the original versions of the Grimm Brothers’ fairy tales, it was the mother—not the stepmother—who played the role of the evil queen in Snow White.)
When a woman (now an adult) sits across from me in therapy and says that she feels sheer terror at the thought of her mother coming to visit—because she knows she will be criticized, controlled, and instructed…
“There’s no air in here!”
“Why don’t you go to a decent hairdresser?”
“Your clothes need to be ironed properly!”
“Why isn’t your child wearing warm socks?”
And so on, all accompanied by memories of a childhood and adolescence where she was never allowed to express anger at her mother’s relentless criticism—which often bordered on emotional abuse. Any attempt at defiance would have led to punishment:
- Hysterics, rage, or tears from the mother
- The silent treatment—days, or even weeks of complete emotional withdrawal
- Sometimes, all of the above
At that moment, the image of the Evil Queen from Snow White comes to mind.
The Mother Who Needs a Mirror
When applied to real-life relationships, the evil stepmother-queen’s need for a mirror—someone who constantly reassures her that she is “the best of them all”—becomes painfully clear.
For a mother with this archetype, her child is expected to be her mirror—reflecting back only what makes her feel good.
In healthy parent-child relationships, the mother should mirror the child—offering support, validation, and encouragement for their individual growth and independence.
But in this inverted dynamic, the mother (perhaps unconsciously) expects the child to validate her.
For her to feel like a good mother, her child must be:
✅ The most obedient
✅ The best-behaved
✅ Academically and athletically excellent
✅ Completely devoted to and admiring of the mother
But here’s the problem: children are not dolls.
Between the ages of two and three, children naturally start expressing their will—they protest, assert independence, and get angry.
For a mother who sees her child as an extension of herself, this natural defiance feels like failure.
Instead of seeing her child as an independent being, she experiences their defiance as personal rejection, shame, and proof that she has failed as a mother.
And at that moment, she declares war on her child’s “shadow” side—the part that disobeys, protests, and resists control.
Two Possible Outcomes
1. The Perfect, Obedient Child
If the mother’s demands are clear and consistent, the child may internalize them completely and become:
✅ Impeccably well-behaved
✅ Hyper-responsible
✅ A high achiever, constantly striving for perfection
✅ Utterly disconnected from their own needs and desires
Society loves these children.
They grow up to become:
💼 Diligent, overworking employees (who burn out)
👰 “Non-nagging” wives (who silently suffer)
🧍 People who never argue, never challenge authority
They don’t question unfair treatment at work.
They don’t set boundaries in relationships.
They don’t know how to say “no.”
The price? Exhaustion, burnout, and emotional suppression.
2. The Perpetual Conflict
If the mother’s demands are inconsistent and erratic, the battle between mother and child never ends.
Conflict erupts constantly—
💥 Shouting matches
💥 Angry confrontations
💥 Explosive emotional outbursts
For a child raised in this high-intensity conflict, this becomes their default mode of communication.
As adults, they tend to:
⚠️ Resolve conflicts through shouting and aggression
⚠️ Struggle with emotional regulation
⚠️ Recreate the same dynamics in their own relationships
They don’t know how to communicate calmly, rationally, or safely.
What Happens When the Mother “Wins” the Battle?
If the mother’s anger is so overpowering that the child gives up fighting back (perhaps out of fear of physical or emotional violence), the result is a deep, lifelong wound.
These children grow up to become adults who:
🚨 Never express anger toward their mother
🚨 Never stand up to authority figures (bosses, partners, etc.)
🚨 Are hyper-responsible, hyper-perfectionistic, and deeply anxious
They constantly try to be perfect, flawless, and in control—even though they know it’s impossible.
The consequences?
- Chronic anxiety
- Persistent depression and emotional numbness
- Difficulty forming meaningful relationships
- High risk of developing addictions (to cope with the constant pressure)
But the worst part?
They don’t know who they are.
Since childhood, they were never allowed to be themselves.
Instead, they were told who to be, what to feel, and how to act.
Even as adults, they hear the mother’s voice in their head:
🗣 “I know what’s best for you.”
🗣 “You must do this, it’s your duty.”
🗣 “You can’t just sit there doing nothing.”
Finding Your Own Path
A negative mother complex makes it incredibly difficult to find your authentic self.
Who are you, really?
What do you actually want?
Where do you belong?
The good news?
💡 It’s never too late to start searching.
💡 The first step? Breaking free from the mother complex.
Psychotherapy 
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