Why do soulmates become enemies?

It seems like fate — two people meet and feel like they’ve known each other their whole lives. They understand each other without saying a word. They laugh at each other’s jokes like old friends. They finish each other’s sentences and feel a sense of kinship or “soulmate” with each other.

And if I’ve ever thought about writing this down, then everything isn’t as pure as it seems on the outside. Because sometimes this chemistry of feelings and the euphoria of falling in love is most likely related to unresolved childhood trauma. When we look at idealized projections with personality or character disorders, we get a rather interesting picture to study. Let’s look, for example, at the interaction between borderline personalities and people on the narcissistic spectrum. A person on the borderline spectrum will be very intense in relationships, emotionally open, very impulsive, and crave intimacy. In contrast, a person on the narcissistic spectrum will feel attracted to this passion and vulnerability because it makes them feel admired, special, alive, and valued. As a result, the borderline personality will feel “finally seen.” And the narcissistic person will feel “almost divine and adored.” A casual observer would see their interaction as two people who are enthusiastically joking, provoking, and surprising each other. The jokes would be flirtatious, provocative, sarcastic, and bordering on or even crossing the line into shamelessness, and emotions would naturally run high.

What is the psychological dynamic of trauma and complexes? It would include a deep fear of abandonment (borderline personality spectrum) and shame or emptiness (narcissistic spectrum). This combination often begins with magnetic mutual attraction and ends with cycles of idealization and devaluation and drama.

How would people with hysterical and narcissistic personality spectrums interact? From the outside, it would probably look like New Year’s fireworks. People on the hysterical spectrum are theatrical, charismatic, expressive, playful; they simply love to be the center of attention and make an impression on others. Not so much to admire their personality, but rather their performance. A person on the narcissistic spectrum will enjoy the admiration and theatricality (the show) and will feel valued and entertained. A casual observer from the sidelines will see a dramatic performance accompanied by attention-grabbing stories; in a word, it will definitely not be boring. Psychological and trauma dynamics – both will have pronounced negative parental complexes with identity and self-esteem issues. When the first infatuation fades, and with it the mutual attention, the relationship can collapse due to unfulfilled needs and mutual competition.

The avoidant person and the “rescuer” (most often a depressed person, someone with borderline personality disorder, or the aforementioned hysterical person). The beginning is special, unobtrusive, empathetic, especially gentle and intimate. This is because the avoidant person only opens up enough to give the rescuer the hope they need. The rescuer feels useful, needed, and even chosen. They laugh, form a bond, and share emotional warmth. Their sense of humor will be gentle, self-deprecating, and loving. Problems will arise when the rescuer starts wanting something back for themselves. Because when the rescuer wants to achieve a balance of give and take in the relationship, the whole relationship system begins to shake, as the avoidant person starts to take flight. They often distance themselves, become passive-aggressive or emotionally withdrawn.

Looking through the prism of Jung’s analytical psychology, such intense and rapid contact or soul connection often indicates that very strong idealized projections and unconscious complexes have formed in the dialogue between people who have just met.

This corresponds well with Jung’s quote: “We do not meet people by chance. They come into our lives to reflect what is unresolved.” So that we can become aware of this and resolve it, but like many other things, this is easier said than done.

But how can we recognize if this is my soul mate and not just throwing the baby out with the bathwater? To do this, we need to answer the following questions:

1. Am I growing in this relationship?

2. Do I have to give up part of myself to be in this relationship?

3. Am I pretending to be someone else to be liked?

And remember that when laughter is connected to the joy and jokes of our inner child, rather than a desire to please others, impress them with our wit, or mask our pain, then the connection can become a healing vessel or a temple.

But, of course, we must remember that in the presence of the alchemical archetypal energies of the anima and animus, even the hardest metal melts, let alone a human being with all their defenses, and then there is nothing left to do but watch the wings flutter like a moth flying towards a hot lamp, because relationships can also be traumatic and destructive.

That is why it is always worth starting with yourself and understanding and recognizing your weaknesses or trigger points, so that you can notice when an idealized projection is about to pull you off a cliff. Because in our longing for fulfillment through another, we can quickly lose ourselves and never find ourselves again. The task of the path of individuation is to turn to our own inner opposites, to take care of the integration of our own opposites, not only through another, but also to strive for their integration within ourselves. And my favorite Jung quote: “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”

So, if you’ve read this far, then when you experience a connection of souls and head-spinning butterflies on your first date, you might be able to sense what your story is and what you should or shouldn’t do with it.