Despite my determination not to work too much during the holiday week, I still had a few post-holiday sessions that stirred up emotions, and not the most pleasant ones, so I would like to share with you my thoughts on things I would very much like to change.
As the new year approaches, we always look back on the old year.
How we lived, what we experienced, and then we make various New Year’s resolutions, most often related to ourselves and our physical and mental health. Some people resolve to exercise more and eat healthier, while others resolve to end abusive relationships.
But you already know what statistically happens to New Year’s resolutions—they disappear. This article is dedicated to people who are in very traumatic relationships. Overall, I want to dedicate this article to everyone to remind them that a sense of freedom is possible, that peace is possible, and that joy is possible, even during the holidays. And if the holidays are over, but you feel pain, emptiness, or disappointment in your relationship, it is definitely a sign that maybe it is time to change something. You can always start by talking about what hurts or seeking couples therapy. Or you can seek professional help just for yourself, so that you don’t have to fight this battle alone – both with yourself and with the trauma. I still see this as one of the most difficult things to overcome in my practice. And I really mean difficult, because clients equate separation from an abusive partner with death, which really shows us how strong this bond is. People truly believe that if they separate, they will die—they will not survive emotionally, etc. These internal myths in dreams also have their own symbolic language—they are most often small insects or bacteria, etc., almost invisible creatures that can crawl under the skin, spread there, and kill people. Of course, there is no smoke without fire, because we know of real situations where people have committed suicide for love. And I also think that these inner beliefs have a very long history, which is indeed linked to real threats. Think about it: thousands of years ago, what could happen if a person no longer had a tribe to take care of them? But times have changed, and it is now possible for a person to both survive and thrive on their own.
And now, the main question is: how can you tell that this applies to you, that this is the right path? It is essential to listen to your intuition, feelings, and emotions. That is, if you simultaneously feel both fear and hope when you imagine yourself achieving your future goal, then you are most likely on the right path.
But if you are reading this article and thinking, “Well, this is not about me,” then I am truly happy for you, and that is how I would like every person walking on this earth to feel. But if you know someone who you think is suffering from abuse in a relationship and you don’t think it’s your business, then I would urge you to reconsider that approach. In many cases, victims of violence do indeed hide everything and do not show it outwardly. But here I am not only referring to physical violence, but also emotional violence—which is hidden in derogatory jokes and, as I often hear in practice, in public accusations and celebrations of such things, which, unfortunately, are flourishing. Such as, for example, public shaming of the “bad troublemaker,” where the whole family or friends have an opinion about the “bad” wife. Who, during celebrations, reproaches her husband, who has problems with excessive alcohol consumption and subsequent aggression. Sounds almost unbelievable, doesn’t it? It is really hard to comprehend when a person has bouts of aggression caused by alcohol and when the partner reacts, already knowing the consequences, for example, with “don’t drink anymore, I’ll bring you coffee,” etc. Then the offended partner and his friends or family members “pounce” on the “guilty” party, accusing them of ruining the party, controlling them, and urging them to calm down and relax, etc. And here is a point I would like you to think about, because the rescuers of the intoxicated victim forget that the consequences will be experienced by the children and the “controlling” partner. And you might say, well, then they should separate. But divorce very often means actually being left alone, without friends, with relatives who have turned away because she is a bad controller, etc. And then there is the trauma associated with the emotional roller coaster from the bliss of the honeymoon to emotional hell and despair and back again. And what does the human psyche do? It, of course, helps to survive and fulfils the task of not being left without one’s tribe, because we are talking about the partner’s friends and family, but there are so many examples where the client’s own family considers her to be too sensitive, too acute in her perceptions, and too controlling of her “poor” husband. And then the psyche comes to the rescue and starts to cloud our vision with thoughts like: he’s not so bad, it was just a one-time thing, we have many good moments together, yes, he got angry, but he didn’t hit me, etc. And here begins the most surprising part of our psyche phenomenon—I am to blame because… and, yes, it’s true, our psyche is capable of deceiving us and manipulating us in the best “gaslighting” tradition. And why? Just to protect us, because if we look at the history of humanity, the right of women and children to live in safety is a very recent and new phenomenon, and it does not even cover the whole world and all countries.
Perhaps this has become too long, but my goal is one: if this story is about you, then please seek help. If it is not about you, then that is fine, but when you are at a party with someone who is worried that their partner is drinking too much, do not join the crowd of comforters or remain neutral, but talk to this person calmly and supportively. Because maybe if he/she hears from someone that this attitude towards him/her from their partner is not okay, he/she will feel that the world can also be supportive and that someone else sees that what he/she is feeling right now is in line with his/her inner reality. Sometimes a kind word and a moment of support can change a person’s life. I wish everyone inner peace, love, and joy in life!
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