The Jealousy

What happens in a person’s brain and body when they feel jealousy?

Remembering Carmen, it is clear that jealousy is one of the strongest and most difficult emotions to control. It can shake both relationships and a person’s inner world. To understand why jealousy seems so powerful and painful, it is worth paying attention to what is happening in our brains and hormone systems at that moment.

Let’s start with cortisol, the stress hormone. When a thought or situation that causes jealousy arises, the body reacts as if the person were in real danger of death. Cortisol levels rise, the heart begins to beat faster, muscles tense up, anxiety sets in, and if this continues, insomnia may also occur.

Next is dopamine, which is responsible for the feeling of addiction. Jealousy often arises where there is a strong attachment. Thanks to the dopamine system, the brain perceives the partner as a “reward.” Therefore, in moments of impending loss, dopamine levels drop, which can lead to obsession and uncontrollable longing for the other person.

Oxytocin and vasopressin are the hormones that form the basis of relationships and intimacy. They also create long-term attachment and help us feel secure in intimacy. During feelings of jealousy, these hormones paradoxically intensify the pain because the brain refuses to “let go” of the loved one. The amygdala and insula are very important emotional centers, and neuroscientific research shows that they become hyperactive when we feel jealousy. We begin to feel intense threat, anger, and psychosomatic symptoms such as physical pain.

In this situation, the prefrontal cortex is like a voice in the wilderness, or the only logical voice. And it does what it can against all these hormones, but it is still like Don Quixote against windmills. This part of the brain tries to calm down and rationally explain that the danger is not real. However, it often loses its position to the overwhelming tornado of emotions.

But why does jealousy cause such strong emotions?

Because life once depended on it. Because it served as a defense mechanism, a warning that there was a risk of immediately losing a partner, and through that, resources or security. Nowadays, this mechanism is comparable to a wisdom tooth, because it has no real purpose; losing a partner will not cause us to be eaten by a bear. However, jealousy continues to cause people to suffer and creates psycho-emotional torment. This is only because the brain reacts to feelings of jealousy with the same intensity as if survival were at stake.

What can be done to reduce this feeling, especially if it recurs frequently?

1. The body itself is very important, as breathing exercises, movement, and sleep hygiene help to reduce cortisol.

2. Awareness and cognitive assessment of the situation. It is necessary to consciously remind yourself that this emotion is temporary, it is not eternal and constant objective reality.

And, especially in relationships, it is important to establish open and honest communication, which will reduce the “fantasy” that allows jealousy to grow and multiply like a snowball effect.

Creativity, journaling, art, music, or therapy can also help. All of these can help vent and calm painful emotions and get them out of the body.

Jealousy is both a psycho-emotional drama and a real neurobiological storm in the brain. Understanding that feelings of jealousy are caused by specific hormones and neural networks, you can learn to deal with them in the same way you would deal with a severe storm. For example, similar to the fairy tale about the three little pigs, you need to be well prepared so as not to lose your balance or your psycho-emotional home.

Jealousy is both a neurobiological and a deeply symbolic phenomenon. On the one hand, it is a hormonal storm, but on the other, it is a deep expression of archetypal power that also reveals where the soul is wounded or trapped.

Let’s look at the archetypes associated with jealousy.

Let’s start with the most unconscious one—the Shadow, because jealousy illuminates what the conscious mind does not want to see—hidden fears, anger, complexes, and feelings of insecurity. The Shadow is projected onto the partner, thereby activating inner insecurity.

The archetypes of fate or individuation, Animus and Anima, are a separate story, because anyone who has experienced the torments of love knows that it is like being caught between a rock and a hard place, and no one will come out of this experience unscathed. And considering that we see our personal inner masculine or feminine image reflected in our partner, every step they take that does not correspond to my ideal can seem like a betrayal of myself. Animus or Anima projections create love and, unfortunately (or fortunately, looking back in time and seeing the path of individuation), also a dramatic feeling of jealousy, because the connection with one’s own inner ideal image of the soul is threatened. How these phenomena affect people in a negative way is described in both “Trauma bond in relationships” and “In bed with a stranger” on this page, scroll down.

Feelings of jealousy often create complexes, which in turn are related to our childhood experiences. This repeatedly activates our inner child’s feelings, such as the fear of being forgotten, rejected, or replaced by someone else. This is a particularly relevant observation in therapy if a person has a younger brother or sister and felt rejected and abandoned as a child after the arrival of their younger sibling. Therefore, reactions can be very strong and irrational, as they come from deep childhood wounds.

Feelings of jealousy often bring aggression, and this is where the Warrior or Mars archetype comes in. Its role is to protect its territory and defeat the competitor that has “appeared” on the horizon. This archetype embodies both fighting and defensive energy. But if it takes over and regularly consumes the Ego, and if it remains unconscious, it can become very destructive. Destroying one relationship after another.

The feeling of jealousy shows how powerful the Lover’s energy is, because it embodies the desire to unite. It also creates passion, intimate closeness, and intense feelings of life. But if it is not in balance with other parts of the psyche, it can easily become an obsession.

To sum up all of the above, jealousy should be seen as a call to pay attention to the path of individuation. It shows where there is a “blockage” in the soul, a complex, unresolved trauma, or an archetypal wound that requires increased attention and care. And when it is integrated, a person discovers the ability to love with dignity and freedom, rather than with fear and a trauma-induced need for control. (And let us remember here about abusive relationships, where a partner driven by inner destruction may also provoke all this, but that is another story.)

But it is also important to remember that if feelings of jealousy are denied or suppressed, they turn into a very destructive internal war, which over time can destroy both the relationship and the person themselves.

Now the question is how to integrate all this?

I really enjoy writing a diary, and I usually encourage my clients to do the same. Writing crystallises internal stories, or narratives, and then you can catch them like a communal apartment (I lived in one as a child) neighbor in your closet with your jar of jam in your hands.

It is even more important to be aware of and distinguish when my own Shadow is manifesting itself—is it reality or my own fears that conjure up stories? Likewise, seek dialogue with the Anima or Animus within yourself, not just in your partner. Heal your Inner Child and provide security that no partner can ever provide. Learn to balance the Lover with the Warrior, not only demanding but also protecting healthy boundaries. Jealousy is like fire because it can destroy but also transform. Biologically, it is a storm of hormones, but archetypically, it is a mirror of the soul. It offers an opportunity to recognise and integrate hidden parts so that love becomes an inner strength.