Usually, I work on weekdays, but sometimes, in special situations, I also work on weekends, like today. And in today’s session, we talked a lot about what is known as trauma bond.
Trauma bond is an emotional attachment that arises in violent or toxic relationships. It is associated with suffering, pain, confusion, humiliation, despair, fear, affection, love, and hope. In such relationships, the victim clings to the aggressor because violence and tenderness alternate in such a way that the psyche loses clarity and understanding of what is actually happening. The dynamics are always the same, and the sequence of events never changes. For example, the partner hurts and pains them, but sometimes they are so good again, and so every time there is hope that maybe they will finally change.
And many people reading this will now scoff: “It’s her own fault for not leaving! Then she must like being humiliated, beaten, cheated on, etc.” But my dears! Trauma bonding is something much, much stronger than it might seem from the outside. Over the years, I have heard countless stories from girls and boys about how, even in normal, healthy relationships, many years later, when the crazy relationship is over, people feel that their life is somehow empty and that something is missing.
And then the question arises, what is it about this situation that people cannot see where they have gotten themselves into, and what is really going on in these people’s brains?
Well, to be honest, the connection to trauma is like a solid biochemical trap made of iron bars. It can only be compared to hard drugs or, more precisely, gambling. Dopamine soars into space in rare moments of tenderness, causing a feeling of addiction, similar to people playing slot machines. Cortisol and adrenaline shake up the entire nervous system with such force that, if you had to flee in the face of real danger, you could run a marathon without stopping. And all this thanks to arguments based on questioning the other’s reality, emotions, experiences, etc., and emotional and physical abuse. Experiencing humiliation and pain, the body exists in a state of constant anxiety and stress. Oxytocin, which is responsible for the feeling of security in relationships, is also released in these relationships, even though there is no real sense of security here. But physiology is physiology, and the victim feels attachment even to those who regularly hurt them. When tension prevails in a relationship, the brain functions in beta waves, or high-frequency activity associated with fighting or fleeing. This causes chronic anxiety, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, weakens memory, and causes insomnia. The rare moments of peace and happiness when you are with the aggressor allow the brain to function in alpha waves, and you feel calm, relaxed, and happy. And these are the culprits that create the illusion of a happy future. And the person begins to justify their partner and is filled with hope. They sincerely believe that their violent partner has finally understood everything and will never do it again. They even justify them, for example, telling themselves that their aggressive partner had a difficult day. And so they believe again and again that their partner is capable of being good, and that together they will succeed. This strong emotional contrast creates an even deeper dependence, as the victim craves the rare peace provided by alpha waves, which is only available through the aggressor’s favor and good mood.
But it is very important to remember that the trauma connection works both ways; this dynamic has also caused the aggressor to become dependent. Because power, dominance, and the opportunity to vent all negative emotions, etc., also promote the production of positive hormones. When the victim begins to think about leaving, the aggressor often takes offense because they are unable to take responsibility for their transgressions and instead take the easy way out by blaming the victim for everything. Over the years, I have heard various stories bordering on fantasy, for example, after years of deception: “I’m not perfect, but how could you destroy our family?” Or “I will never forgive you for what you did to me!” Or “It didn’t mean anything to me, I was just having fun, but you always have to make a drama out of everything.” Then there is another special type of chomsky (pay attention to the ability to empathize) Well, you’re exaggerating, I would never leave you, I don’t bring anyone home, and then follows a list of reasons, because… because she’s fat, ugly, too old, only wants money, I would be ashamed to be seen with her in public, etc., and you are the most beautiful to me!” Or: “The first time I cheated on you, it was hard for me! But you could finally broaden your horizons and stop being so narrow-minded, etc.” After physical violence: “You’re exaggerating, I don’t remember anything like that! Do you have a lot of bruises? Are you beaten every day? Yes, I made a mistake, but you’re no better, you hit me back then too!” I could go on and on. But, summing up everything I’ve heard, the most common response will be: “You’re exaggerating. It means nothing to me! You’re cutting me down! You’re controlling me! It’s your own fault, because you made me angry and I’ll never forgive you for leaving me!” These are all obvious manipulations to maintain power. And in fact, the victim is punished for daring to regain their freedom.
Looking through the prism of Jung’s analytical psychology, the connection between trauma is not only psychological, but also an archetypal phenomenon. This is because the aggressor symbolizes the shadow aspect or the destructive side of the animus/anima, which attracts with a seductive and dangerous force, but at the same time frightens and threatens to destroy or kill. In dreams, such a destructive animus will appear as the image of an attacker, thief, or criminal. As I mentioned at the beginning of this article, the victim, unfortunately, identifying with the victim archetype, will wait for a savior instead of fighting for their own liberation from the bonds of trauma. The true task of the path of individuation is to separate the Self from the aggressor archetype and its power over the ego. This means consciously seeing and understanding that your inner divine value and your true and real life do not depend on the judgments or moods of the aggressor.
Perhaps these few steps towards separation will be useful to someone, but to be honest, it can take years to achieve this with clients in therapy. And it is important to note that separation does not happen in an instant. It is similar to an initiation or coming-of-age ritual because, as you can imagine, the trauma bond is formed in childhood and is closely linked to the relationship with the parents, and it takes a transition period to break it.
1. Realize that you are psycho-emotionally trapped.
2. Realize and believe that the aggressor is not your destiny and is not necessarily stuck with you forever.
3. Regain your strength, your True Self, which is greater than any aggressor.
4. And, of course, the aggressor will be angry that their prey is leaving the trap and the cage. And they will begin to actively blame the victim. But this is where freedom begins, because the moment the client feels that the aggressor is no longer her whole world, the emotional tyrant’s power over the woman’s psyche loses its significance in relation to her True Self. And the connection to the trauma becomes weaker and weaker. The connection to the trauma is like a fine web that ties everything together from many threads consisting of hormones, brain waves, childhood traumas, and archetypal energies. Unfortunately, the narratives found in romantic movies and books reinforce all of this and keep victims with people who hurt them again and again, keeping them under their power and control. However, I sincerely hope that by talking about this again and again, the prevailing narratives in society will begin to change. And this is not only a psychological but also a spiritual process, because it is the true path of a hero/heroine – to break free and regain oneself, and to separate the Self from identification with the aggressor, or negative animus, and return to one’s life and oneself, outside the cage imposed by society. Because very often I hear in therapy sessions, what will I be without him? Nothing! I don’t want to be alone because I’m afraid of loneliness, which in Jung’s words would mean – because I’m afraid to face myself.
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