Usually, I work on workdays, but sometimes, in special situations, I also work on weekends, like today. And in today’s session, we talked a lot about what is called a trauma bond.
A trauma bond is an emotional attachment that develops in violent or toxic relationships. It is associated with suffering, pain, confusion, humiliation, despair, fear, affection, love, and hope. In relationships, the victim clings to the aggressor because violence and tenderness alternate in such a way that the psyche loses clarity and understanding of what is really happening. The dynamics are the same and the sequence of events does not change. For example, the partner hurts and wounds, but then is so kind again, and so each time there is hope that maybe he will finally change.
And many people reading this will now scoff: “It’s your own fault for not leaving! You must like being humiliated, beaten, cheated on, etc.” But my dears! Trauma bonding is much, much stronger than it might seem from the outside. Over the years, I have heard countless stories from girls and boys about how, even though they were in normal, healthy relationships, many years later, when the crazy relationship ended, they felt that their life was somehow empty and that something was missing.
And then the question arises, what is it about people that they can’t see where they’ve gotten themselves into and what is really going on in their brains?
Well, to be honest, the connection to trauma is like a solid biochemical trap made of iron bars. It can only be compared to hard drugs or, more precisely, gambling. Dopamine shoots up into the stratosphere in rare moments of tenderness, creating a feeling of addiction, similar to people playing slot machines. Cortisol and adrenaline shake the entire nervous system with such force that, if you had to flee from real danger, you could run a marathon without stopping. And all this thanks to arguments based on questioning the other’s reality, emotions, experiences, etc., and emotional and physical violence. When experiencing humiliation and pain, the body exists in a state of constant anxiety and stress. Oxytocin, which is responsible for feelings of security in relationships, is also released in these relationships, even though there is no real sense of security here. But physiology is physiology, and the victim feels attachment even to those who regularly hurt them. When tension prevails in a relationship, the brain functions in beta waves, or high-frequency activity associated with fight or flight. This causes chronic anxiety, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, weakens memory, and causes insomnia. The rare moments of peace and happiness when they are with the aggressor allow the brain to function in alpha waves, and the person feels calm, relaxed, and happy. And these are the culprits who create the illusion of a happy future. And the person begins to justify their partner and is filled with hope. They believe with all their heart that their violent partner has finally understood everything and will never do it again. They even justify them, telling themselves that their aggressive partner had a difficult day. And so they believe again and again that he is capable of being good, and that together everything will work out. This strong emotional contrast creates an even deeper dependence, as the victim craves the rare peace provided by the alpha waves, which is only available through the aggressor’s favor and good mood.
But it is very important to remember that the trauma connection works in both directions; this dynamic has also caused the aggressor to become dependent. This is because power, dominance, and the opportunity to vent all negative emotions, etc., also promote the production of positive hormones. When the victim starts thinking about leaving, the aggressor often becomes offended because they are unable to take responsibility for their actions and instead take the easy way out by blaming the victim for everything. Over the years, I have heard various stories bordering on fantasy, for example, after years of deception: “I’m not perfect, but how could you destroy our family?” Or “I’ll never forgive you for what you did to me!” Or “It didn’t mean anything to me, I was just having fun, but you always have to make a drama out of everything.” Then there’s another special type of cheater (pay attention to their ability to empathize) “Come on, you’re exaggerating, I would never leave you, I’ve never brought anyone home, and then follows a list of reasons, because… because she’s fat, ugly, too old, only wants money, I’d be ashamed to be seen with her in public, etc., and you’re the most beautiful woman in the world to me!” Or: “The first time I cheated on you, it was hard for me! But you could finally broaden your horizons and stop being so narrow-minded, etc.” After physical violence: “You’re exaggerating, I don’t remember anything like that! You have a lot of bruises? Are you beaten every day? Yes, I made a mistake, but you’re no better, you hit me too!” I could go on forever. But, putting everything I’ve heard together, the most common response will be: “You’re exaggerating. It doesn’t mean anything to me! You’re nagging me! You control me! It’s your fault because you made me angry and I’ll never forgive you for leaving me!” These are all obvious manipulations to maintain power. And in reality, the victim is punished for daring to regain their freedom.
Through the prism of Jungian analytical psychology, the connection between trauma is not only psychological, but also an archetypal phenomenon. The aggressor symbolizes the shadow aspect or the destructive side of the animus/anima, which attracts with a seductive and dangerous force, but at the same time frightens and threatens to destroy or kill. In dreams, such a destructive animus will appear as an attacker, thief, or criminal. As I mentioned at the beginning of this article, the victim, unfortunately, identifying with the victim archetype, will wait for a savior rather than fight for their own liberation from the bonds of trauma. The true task of the path of individuation is to separate the Self from the aggressor archetype and its power over the ego. This means consciously seeing and understanding that your inner divine value and your true and real life do not depend on the judgments or moods of the aggressor.
Perhaps these few steps towards separation will be useful to someone, but to be honest, it can take years of therapy with clients to get there. And it is important to note that separation does not happen in an instant. It is similar to an initiation or coming-of-age ritual because, as you can imagine, the trauma is formed in childhood and is closely linked to the relationship with the parents, and it takes a transition period to break it.
1. Realize that you are psycho-emotionally trapped.
2. Realize and believe that the aggressor is not your destiny and is not bound to you forever.
3. Regain your strength, your true self, which is greater than any aggressor.
4. And, of course, the aggressor will be angry that their prey is leaving the trap and the nest. They will begin to actively blame the victim. But this is precisely where freedom begins, because the moment the client feels that the aggressor is no longer the whole world, the emotional tyrant’s power over the woman’s psyche loses its meaning in relation to her Self. And the connection to the trauma becomes weaker and weaker. The connection to the trauma is like a fine web that binds everything together from many threads consisting of hormones, brain waves, childhood traumas, and archetypal energies. Unfortunately, the narratives found in romantic movies and books reinforce all of this and keep victims tied to people who hurt them again and again, keeping them in their power and control. However, I sincerely hope that by talking about this again and again, the prevailing narratives in society will begin to change. And this is not only a psychological process, but also a spiritual one, because it is the true path of a hero/heroine – to break free and regain oneself, to separate one’s true self from identification with the aggressor, or negative animus, and to return to one’s life and oneself, outside the cage imposed by society. Because very often I hear in therapy sessions, “What will I be without him? Nothing! I don’t want to be alone because I’m afraid of loneliness, which in Jung’s words would mean – because I’m afraid to face myself.
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